Protecting Children Means Protecting Their Relationships Too

Children thrive when safe, loving connections are preserved, even when families change.

In conversations about divorce and custody, one phrase rises above all others: protect the children. It is a goal everyone agrees on, regardless of circumstance. Every parent wants their children to feel safe, secure, and deeply loved. Prioritizing a child’s best interests is essential, especially during times of family transition. At the same time, true protection involves more than shielding children from conflict. It also means preserving the relationships that shape their emotional world and sense of identity for the rest of their lives.

Children are not only protected by physical safety. They are protected by connection, stability, and the reassurance that the people they love will still be there for them.

Research in child development consistently shows that, when it is safe to do so, children benefit from meaningful relationships with both parents. Studies of post divorce families have found that children who maintain strong bonds with both parents tend to have better emotional health, higher self esteem, stronger academic outcomes, and fewer behavioral problems compared to children who lose contact with one parent.

A child’s attachment to a parent is not interchangeable and cannot simply be replaced without consequence. Even when families restructure, children still carry deep ties to both mother and father. When those relationships are supported, children are more resilient and better able to adapt to change.

What harms children most is not living in two homes. It is living in an atmosphere of ongoing conflict, fear, or instability. Family psychology research has repeatedly found that exposure to chronic parental conflict is associated with increased anxiety, sleep disturbances, behavioral challenges, and difficulty concentrating. Children absorb tension even when adults believe they are shielding them from it. They may feel pressure to choose sides, hide their feelings, or carry responsibility for problems they did not create.

In some high conflict situations, children may experience reduced or disrupted contact with one parent. Research suggests that a significant portion of divorced families experience some level of interference with parent child relationships. When a child is separated from a caring parent, the loss can be confusing and painful, even if the child cannot fully express it. Over time, this disruption can affect their sense of security, identity, and trust.

At the same time, the impact is not limited to the child. When a parent’s relationship with their child is suddenly restricted or severed, the emotional consequences for that parent can be profound. Parenthood reshapes a person’s identity, priorities, and sense of purpose. Daily life becomes organized around caregiving, protection, guidance, and love. When that role is abruptly removed, parents often experience intense grief, helplessness, and a deep sense of loss.

Mental health professionals sometimes describe this experience as a form of ambiguous loss, grieving someone who is still alive but out of reach. Because the parent understands what is happening and cannot change it quickly, the distress can feel constant and overwhelming. Many parents report that the emotional pain begins to manifest physically, affecting sleep, appetite, concentration, and overall health.

This suffering is rarely visible from the outside. There are no rituals for mourning, no clear timeline for healing, and often a slow legal process that determines when contact may resume. In the meantime, parents may carry the absence every hour of every day.

Research also indicates that fathers are more likely than mothers to experience loss of regular contact with children following divorce, particularly in contested custody cases. Mothers continue to receive primary physical custody in a majority of U.S. cases, which can create circumstances where fathers have less day to day access to their children. This does not reflect differences in love or commitment, only differences in living arrangements and legal outcomes.

When children lose regular connection with a caring parent, and that parent simultaneously loses their central role in the child’s life, both experience a form of grief. Protecting children therefore includes protecting the relationships that sustain them and the parents who nurture them.

Consistency and presence play an essential role in recovery and stability. Research on attachment shows that predictable contact, routines, and shared experiences help children feel secure even when families change structure. Everyday moments, school pickups, shared meals, bedtime conversations, and ordinary routines build stability that cannot be replaced by occasional contact alone.

Protecting children also means seeing the whole child, not just their physical needs but their emotional ones as well. Children benefit from knowing they belong to both sides of their family, that their history is intact, and that they are not required to reject part of themselves in order to keep peace. Long term studies of adult children of divorce show that those encouraged to maintain healthy relationships with both parents often report greater life satisfaction and stronger family connections later in life.

This responsibility does not belong to one parent alone. It is shared among parents, extended family members, professionals, and institutions. When adults focus on reducing harm instead of escalating conflict, children are given the space to grow into secure, compassionate, and resilient people.

Every child deserves to grow up knowing they are loved by both parents whenever it is safe and possible. Divorce may change the structure of a family, but it does not have to destroy the bonds that matter most. Protecting children means protecting their hearts, their stability, and their right to meaningful relationships with the people who love them.

California is home to millions of families navigating separation each year, and the policies that shape custody decisions carry lifelong consequences for children. When systems prioritize reducing conflict, preserving safe parent child bonds, and supporting families through transition, children are far more likely to emerge secure and resilient. Thoughtful reform is not about choosing one parent over another. It is about ensuring that the well being of children includes their emotional health, stability, and meaningful connection to the people who love them.

If your family is navigating separation or divorce, remember that children take emotional cues from the adults around them. Calm reassurance, consistent presence, and respectful communication can make an enormous difference in how they adapt. Children do not need perfect parents. They need loving ones who place their well being above conflict.

With patience, support, and compassion, families can move through difficult transitions while preserving the connections that children depend on most.

Written with love, in honor of children who deserve peace, stability, and the freedom to be loved by both parents.

— Kirsten Cicairos, on behalf of Shane’s Hope / Shane’s Bill